4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
