Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
