I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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