Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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