My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize