You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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