He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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