i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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