and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
