Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Never joke about your clitoris.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
