my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
