3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
