im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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