Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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