Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
