I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
