Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
