Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Is it penis luge time yet?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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