My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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