Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
