The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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