I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
