Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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