You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
