I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
