she's into porn, im staying here tonight
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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