my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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