I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
