these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
