Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
How does one acquire holy water?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
