I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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