I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
