But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
