Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
