Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize