I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
