She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
