went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
