Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
