Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
