I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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