you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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