If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
