Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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