so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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