dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
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I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
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im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips