I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.