Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Vodka?
Forever.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
