wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
