so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.