Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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