Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
