if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
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apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
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I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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