either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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