Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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