Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
