i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize