I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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