I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
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just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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