i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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