Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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